How to Upgrade Your Webslang to Web 2.0

[Brandon]

The trouble with The Internet is that imbeciles are allowed to touch it. These same imbeciles like nothing more than repeating the same annoying phrases over and over until they very much stop being funny. This film takes a look at which phrases should be banned, and suggests more clememt alternatives to save you wearing out the same keys on your keyboard over and over again.

 

Step 1: Calling People 'Sir' You, sir, fail at Teh Internets' Ooh, look at me. I just called you sir'. I'm a hoity-toity London city gent circa 1845, don't cha know? What Ho, pip pop. Faux flattery like calling someone sir' unnecessarily doesn't make you some sort of smart, plucky, flat-cap wearing hero, it makes you a casually-patronising fudgenut.

 

Step 2: Teh Misspellings While we're on it, deliberately misspelling the' stopped being funny post dial-up, too. This goes double for words like fanboi' or moar' or EVAR' which for some reason seems to need to be written perpetually in ALL CAPS, which by the way is another thing to stop doing immediately. Just... learn to spell things properly. What are you? Twelve?

 

Step 3: Epic Fail EPIC FAIL! EPIC FAAAAIL Oh, brilliant. You've chosen to metaphorically scream the single dumbest catch-all phrase ever, how remarkably high-brow of you. Why not try constructing a well-reasoned argument about why you didn't enjoy something on The Internet, or is that all rather too complicated for you since your button-mashing brain got worn-out by Halo Three's outrageously complicated plot? EPIC FAIL! EPIC FAAAIL! Oh grow up.

 

Step 4: I want my [LENGTH OF VIDEO] back I watched a film on The Internet! And it wasn't particularly to my tastes! Go on, you snivelly little ponce. Write it in the comments section below this film. You know you want to, because you don't have an ounce of ingenuity in that tangled mess of nerves and marshmallow you choose to call a brain. Instead, construct a full sentence weighing up the pros and cons of the video yes, using proper apostrophes and everything just like you used to do back when you were in Class One.

 

Step 5: Best or Worst Thing Ever This was clever and funny when The Simpsons did it about a decade ago.

 

Step 6: First! Oooooh! You made the very first comment after a blog post! Are there unlockable Achievements for that sort of thing? Quickly now! Run and tell mummy! She'll be oh-so very very proud.

 

Step 7: [sOMEONE] just called, they want their [bLANK] back Example: The 1980s just called! They want their videogame graphics back! Yeah, The Internet just called, they want you to stop repeating the same unfunny phrases ad nauseam like we're all trapped in some sort of horrible neverending Portal-style loop paradox. In summary: stop endlessly repeating the same dead, overused phrases over and over. Think of something original to write yourself. You're ruining The Internet, you know? What's more, it's bad enough writing these things down on the Internet, but if you ever say anything like epic fail' out loud in the real world, you deserve to be thrown to a Sarlacc. Done. Now bugger off and delete all the rubbishy comments you've left on The Internet over the years.